I don't always like surprises. I like to know beforehand exactly what is in store and to have everything planned down to the smallest detail. If something happens to my organized schedule, *gasp!* I nearly fall apart.
You'd think that after all the curve balls I've been thrown in my life that I would have learned how to just "go with the flow". And, in my defense, I'm far more flexible than I used to be. Really! But I obviously have a lot to learn.
Looks like I'll be doing some of that "learning" fairly intensely for awhile.
Our future at the moment is almost totally uncertain. It seems that every careful plan and every fondly held dream has crumbled around us and we're left in darkness and confusion. We don't know which step to take next. Our family is at a crossroad and we feel the weight of decision very, very heavily. I think my husband feels sort of like he's picking his way through a minefield, trying to be oh, so careful of that next step, afraid that if he makes one wrong move what's left of our world will be blown away. For over a year we've dealt with questions and burdens that almost no one knows about...except God. Oh, I'm so glad He knows!
It's difficult for me to just let go and trust. I feel like a bird, beating my wings incessantly against a cage of helplessness. It's exhausting. I want to DO something NOW! I have to know! My husband has to KNOW! I don't want to wait one second more; I want to get my plans all made and start getting things in order again...and when I don't see that happening I feel frustration and anger.
And, it's not only our present situation, but the heartbreaking news we've received of a friend who has been told that cancer has returned. He and his young family are, of course, devastated by the news and worn out with the decisions and questions with which they're being pummeled. I'm sure they have some of the same questions we do. Why? What do we do now? What does our future hold?
What comes next?
God knows.
He understands.
He knows that in my helplessness, I'm the safest.
And He waits for me to be still.
He hasn't been taken by surprise; He knew what would happen before the world was in place. He doesn't need my neat little lists and careful planning to make my world work, and He's not limited to our days, minutes, hours. He is infinite. All-knowing. And He's good, even when I'm tempted to doubt it.
Our future is unknown, but we have a Guide Who is all-knowing.
And He's all we need.
~Jessica~
As someone who likes to have the future planned out, too, and gets rather disconcerted by uncertainty, I'll be praying for your family!
ReplyDeleteOnce again, beautifully written and concisely stated, Jessica. Thank you for sharing from your heart. It's amazing how weird our lives seem to be at this point, isn't it? I always thought that growing up would be pretty cut and dried; and I never dreamed it would be this hard. Learning to hear God's voice, sense His direction, feel His loving arms around me, well, I'm still working on that...doing my best to be still and listen and follow. I still feel so much like a child desperately needing a Father's touch! Uncertainty is unnerving, but thankfully, we know that our God is One Who can fully be depended upon...
ReplyDeleteYour faithfulness and peaceful reliance on the Lord is going to be such a testimony to your kids. They will look back on this time as a milestone in their lives: The time their parents trusted wholeheartedly in he Lord. I saw my parents walk through similar valleys as a child, and it has done more to strengthen my own faith than all of the "easy" times put together. We love you and continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you. CS
BTW, Philip was impressed with your blog site, especially your writing style. (And he is not easily impressed!) :}
Daniel, thank you for your prayers. They're appreciated!
ReplyDeleteSJW, beautifully said...so many times I just wish I could crawl up in my Father's arms and feel safe and protected from this tough, grown-up world. I love you muchly. Hope you know that. I'm always here when you need me.
CS,thanks for your encouragement and kind words. I do hope that someday my children can look back on this as a good experience, and a turning point for the better in our lives as Christians. I'm glad that Philip liked the blog. :) I'm tempted over and over to just quit...I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said, and what I do say is so...poorly done compared to the writing of others! But I can't live my life trying to measure up to everyone else. (Good thing. Cuz I can't. :) ) Anyway, it's just my little corner of the world and I really enjoy it. :)
~Jessica~